I'm the one to blame
by hishoku
Summary: One-shot Post BOTFA. No fluff for this one. What I think happens to Tauriel after BOTFA. Pls do leave reviews!


Her eyes snap open. She tries to sit up, her aching muscles protest along with her wounds. The dense air is heavy with the scent of blood and death. A bleak and desolate landscape lies before her. The immediate sight that greets her is baffling for a moment before the memories come flooding back all at once.

_This is Ravenhill._

She had rushed here together with Legolas to warn the four dwarven warriors of the impending doom that was to come upon them after hearing the Halfling worriedly sputter that they were up there. A second army of Orcs were heading their way from Gundabad, and they would arrive anytime soon. They had to get out of there and fast if they still wanted a chance of survival.

The sound of her heart pounding against her chest reverberates in her own ears. Cold beads of sweat roll down the sides of her face. Still slightly disoriented, she sits in a daze as she tries to gather her thoughts.

_Where is Kíli?_

Her head spins round just in time to meet with a sight that chills her to the bones. The filthy spawn of the Pale Orc was raising his weapon up high, preparing to sink the sharp pointed bottom right into an immobile Kíli who lay limply in Bolg's grasp. Her eyes widen in horror. Fear grips at her heart. She wills her legs to move, to go to him and help. All the air in her lungs leave her. A strangled cry is the only sound she makes as she watches her worst nightmare play out before her very eyes, her arm instinctively outstretched towards him. Everything seems to slow down in that moment as the sound of the spear-like end impaling the weakened dwarf prince pierces through the air, a horrible sound of metal tearing flesh. She lays numb and paralyzed on the ground, helplessly watching on, hoping beyond hope that he would not die. Not like this. Not right now.

Their eyes meet. He holds his gaze steady despite the fact that life is seeping out of him. She stares at the dark-haired archer, on the verge of death, her mouth agape. She struggles to say something. Anything. The words all die on her tongue as she can do nothing but look on. It kills her to watch him die right before her. Her pained expression betrays it.

She watches as his breathing becomes laboured and slow. She watches as the light in his eyes go out. She watches as a single tear slides down the side of his face- a sign of all the pain he felt in his last moments. She watches as his body falls to the ground. She watched him die. And she did nothing.

_I did nothing._

_I couldn't do anything._

_Nothing._

_Nothing at all._

_Nothing. Nothing. Nothing._

_Why were you so useless Tauriel? So weak?_

The chant of guilt echoes in her head. All around she can hear voices-all belonging to her.

The elleth covers her ears in a desperate attempt to block out the resounding voices in her head. They only got louder. She was getting dizzy and frantically looked around her, trying to get a solid grip on reality. Then, right in the midst of all the noise in her head, she hears a different voice, someone else's.

* * *

"Why didn't you save me Tauriel? I was _dying. _And you let me. Why? Why didn't you try to do _something_?" She whipped her head to see Kíli, pale, battered and bloody, standing next to her.

"I-I-I'm sorry Kíli! I, I tried I really did, please believe me! Please! I'm so sorry, so sorry Kíli. I didn't mean for it to happen, I really didn't." She sobbed, her voice breaking. "I'm sorry I was so weak, I'm sorry you had to save me, I'm sorry you died when you never should've had to." She winced at the stab in her heart the memory of him dying brought, her eyes squeezed shut.

The surroundings faded away, so did the voices and Kíli. When she opened her eyes again, she was no longer on Ravenhill. This place she did not recognise immediately. It was dark and cold. She was faced with four high stone walls. She would've guessed it was a cavern, were it not for its immense size and all the people gathered there. They were all surrounding something on the ground. All were weeping and all...were dwarrows. This was Erebor.

A feeling of dread starts to grow as she pushes her way to the front, already guessing what was going on. She falls on her knees as the sight she beholds breaks her all over again. A wail of anguish escapes her as words fail her. She crawls to the left stone mound, dragging her battered form, her strength all spent. The dawrrows do nothing for awhile, wary eyes follow her as she pulls herself up to the stone. Resting both her arms on the smooth cool stone, one arm sweeps across the stone, her fingers tracing lightly over the engraved words.

_Here lies Kíli, sister-son of Thorin, son of Dís and Vili._

_Prince of Erebor._

_"Oh Kíli..."_

More tears roll down her already tear-stained cheeks as she sits at the edge of his tomb, her arm spread over the polished surface. The dwarrows present do not do anything but soon begin to step away to give space to some who were making their way to the front of the tombs.

"What are you doing here?" a dwarf snarled at her. "_Elves_ aren't welcomed in Erebor." he spat out distastefully.

"Especially one who was responsible for the death of one of our Princes!" another yelled.

"If it weren't for you, he'd still be alive! Why didn't you do anything?"

"Why didn't you fight? Aren't you the Captain of the Guard?"

"You did nothing. Nothing at all."

"How could you watch on as he died and do _**nothing**_?" a bald dwarf growled.

"It's your fault. It's all your fault this has happened. It's your fault he's dead!" shouted one heatedly, making to charge at her, his companions barely holding him back.

Turning her head to face her accusers, she was met with a few vaguely familiar faces. They had been in the same company as Kíli, she recognised. The whole company of dwarves had after all, all been captured in Mirkwood by her and her guards. They were his kin and kith. They had every right to blame her. Their words weren't wrong. The never ending barrage of accusations continued, insult and blame hurled at her mercilessly.

"How could all three of you leave me? You're all the kin I had left. Why did you two foolish boys have to join your uncle on that blasted quest? And you brother! You just _had_ to fill their heads with stories of dragons and gold and Erebor. Oh my boys! My precious sons...my dear brother...why have all of you forsaken me?" A heart wrenching sob reached the ears of the elf. The ginger head looked to the source of the mournful cry. Emerald met dark chocolate, the same colour as the pair of eyes that constantly haunts her waking and sleeping moments so much. The dwarrowdam in mention held her gaze steady, striding over to the Silvan elf who still sat by her son's tomb.

"You, she-elf," the dwarrowdam who had to be none other than Kíli's mother pointed an accusing finger at her, her tone turning dangerous. "It was your fault my younger boy is gone isn't it? He died saving you, killed by the filthy spawn of Azog. I know all about it," her eyes narrowing at her. "How you were supposed to be a warrior, Captain of the Mirkwood Guard even, and yet you were so weak in that moment. My boy tried to save you and ended up exchanging his life for yours! For an elf! How could you have let him die? I've lost all my family now and Erebor has lost its heirs. And all this is your fault. You are the one to blame." Hatred and fury burned in those chocolate orbs, so unlike the warmth and tenderness she was used to seeing in Kíli's eyes. She cowered in the presence of the Lady Dís, despite the fact that she could tower over her were she to stand at her full height. Weary and burdened with grief and guilt, she said nothing. Instead, she backed away from the tomb and curled herself into a ball, hands covering her ears and shutting her eyes from the horrible reality of it all. The tears wouldn't stop flowing even as her eyes stayed shut.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." She repeated, still in curled up. A futile attempt at shutting out all the bitter and harsh words directed at her. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Her apologies continued as the insults increased, chanting over and over the only defence she had to the cutting words they threw at her.

* * *

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'M SORRY!"

Her eyes snap open. She is covered in cold sweat. Still panting, she takes in deep breaths in an effort to slow her breathing. The first thing she registers is another pair of eyes staring down at hers.

Cool ice blue.

It was just a dream.

And yet reality was no more merciful than the realm of dreams.

Kíli was indeed, dead. He had died in that wretched battle that fateful day along with his brother and uncle. No, nothing had changed. Nothing at all.

"Nightmares again?" a masculine voice asked gently.

Putting his arm around her, the blonde helped the auburn haired elf up, getting her up into a sitting position. Streaks of tear stains ran down both sides of her ghastly pale face, her lips white and chaffed. Her beautiful silky red hair was now a tangled mess. She kept quiet, still shaken over the vivid images of her dream, clinging fearfully to him, biting her lower lip. She was trembling, he realised, her emerald eyes shone with fresh tears. By now, he understood, she never forgave herself, the guilt and grief like an open wound, still real, still as fresh as the day he died. He cradled her, rocking gently back and forth, trying to soothe her as her tears threatened to spill once more. Her grip on him remained tight while he held her close.

"Shhh...hush now. There, it's okay." whispered the prince gently. "Calm down, and think. Remember? Nobody blamed you for his death. The bald dwarf on Ravenhill with them saw everything that happened. He knew you couldn't do anything. He said so himself. He knew it wasn't your fault." The Silvan elf's sobs quietened down as she listened to his words. "You carried his body, along with his brother's to the rest of the company of dwarves. You even helped to bury him. And don't forget, you returned Lady Dís his runestone." The elleth turned slowly to look up at him. "I...I did?"

His heart ached at the sight of the ginger head he'd known all her life. Her sparkling emerald eyes have lost their gleam and looked closer to the colour of her hair now with the recurring nightmares. Her hair had lost all of its shine. She looked lost and dazed, no longer being able to tell dreams and reality apart. The headstrong, confident, beautiful elleth she'd been her whole life was no more. The former Captain of the Guard was a ghost of her former self. It pained him to see her like this. So broken, so fragile. He choked back a sob as he met her tired gaze. "Yes, Tauriel, you did." He smiled sadly at her. "She was so grateful to you. And she had heard from the bald dwarf about the happenings on Ravenhill. She doesn't blame you at all. She knows her son was reckless and that he loved you and...went, to protect you. She could not blame him for wanting to protect someone he loved. She was proud of him." A small smile graced Tauriel's lips, a simple action that seemed arduous to her. "Thank you Legolas." her voice came out as barely a whisper. The stress etched on her face faded. Her breathing slowed. Her eyelids started to droop as the shadows of sleep claimed her for themselves once again.

Her peaceful form calmed Legolas, and relief washed over him. He held her close, smiling softly down at her. His heart breaks for her plight.

_"Would Ada have been like that had he not have to care for me?"_ The thought constantly plagued him since his surrogate sister had fallen into such a state._ "Would he have faded away?" Like how Tauriel is now?"_

The blonde comforting the auburn haired elf in the middle of the night had become a regular scene in the chambers of the Mirkwood Prince for the past 5 years. She never recovered from the death of her beloved dwarf and the guilt of surviving when he had not, never left her. It was exhausting for him to repeat the same thing over and over each night to her when she woke, but he understood how much she needed that reassurance. Especially when she slowly started losing her grip on reality. As drained as he always felt, he knew she had it worse. She needed him, and he intended to be there for her. No matter what.

Legolas gently set her lying back on the bed so as to not wake her. Looking down at the still form of his best friend, a painful realisation hit him.

She wasn't breathing.

She felt barely warm, turning colder by the second. The relief he had felt from before was now being rapidly replaced by feelings of dread and fear. His panic rose as she remained unresponsive to him shaking her body.

"Tauriel? Tauriel? Tauriel, wake up! Please wake up! Open your eyes! Tauriel!" his voice rose as his fear did. "Don't do this to me Tauriel! Come on, don't scare me! Please just open your eyes already!" He begged her desperately, tears brimming in his eyes.

Tauriel was gone. He knew very well she was. He'd always expected this day to come. It was the fate that met all their kind whose lives ended with fading away. Yet, to have it happen so suddenly when she had already been suffering this way for 5 years still came as a shock to him. Staring at her face, he saw no more of the pain or grief that marred her beautiful features for the longest time. She looked peaceful and calm. The blonde felt happy for his best friend, knowing that at last, her suffering had ended. That she would be free of the worldly burdens she carried and would hopefully be reunited with her dwarven love. To only be able to realise that after passing this world was the most tragic part of the love between her and the dark-haired archer. Accepting the fact that she was gradually fading away with each passing day was hard, but nothing had prepared him for this day. The cold harsh reality that she was truly gone now had slapped him hard in the face. He felt an overwhelming sense of loss spread around him like a desolate ocean. Falling to his knees by the bedside, he held her hand to his lips. And there he stayed kneeling till his legs were beyond the point of feeling numb, mourning the death of yet another one dear to him.

"Pado nuin elin, mellon nîn." he whispered hoarsely as he gently brushed away stray wisps of her hair. Pressing a first and last kiss to her forehead, he tucked her in like he did every night and sat by her side till the first rays of sunlight creeped in.

* * *

Sindarin translations:

Pado nuin elin- (may you) walk under the stars (credits to allegiance-of-elvish on tumblr for the translation)

mellon nîn-my friend

**I thought I'd try writing something different this time. But I promise more fluff and happy things in the future! Please do leave reviews and let me know what you think! Constructive criticism is always welcome!**


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